This isn’t a new emotion or the first time. But something tells me this time its worse.. the confusion, the maze and the decisions more irrevocable. I don’t know how the Japs do it but to have minimal space and time for error makes it just too overwhelming. Specially when you sorta have been stumbling through life anyway.. The usual making plans, reworking plans, failing plans, and getting back to the drawing board.. I do think the so called ‘quarter life crisis’ is for real. The crossroads lead to very serious paths most one ways and the dilemmas just tear you apart..
You also know that these stages of indecisiveness are not a figment of your imagination as a lot of people around you too seem to share the same anxiety. I do not want to admit to an identity crisis but if it’s not this then what is it? You know you’re kinda leaving the age behind where you can continue being impulsive or careless or afford to wear your heart on your sleeve. Yet you haven’t reached that stage of understanding and non reluctant maturity to let go of “youth” as you know it. The fear of resigning to a predictable timetable life. Trading being lost for stability. Could that mean trading adventure for being still?
We all have interests we explore in hope of figuring out what interests can be translated into a sustainable career and match a skill set you gotta have naturally or acquired. That isn’t an easy tasks if your interests and the subjects that make you curious range through a bizarre variety of absolutely unrelated fields. But if the interests are genuine and backed up by pursuit of knowledge in those fields and great conversations with people in it make you realize that each one is real. I don’t know how keeping up with the history of rock, or updating myself on new and unexplored places to visit, or the architecture or design of buildings, bad attempts at travel writing, an insatiable passion for beers wines and cocktails, the charm of taking good pictures, the lame efforts at writing poems, the high of doing a start up, the desire to be successful in business yet make a significant contribution to the creative fields all underscored with a desire to eventually get paid to travel.. I dont think its wavering or its being crazy.. I think its appreciating diversity and constant pursuit of knowledge and a passion to learn.. So this crossroad(s) well become extremely difficult to merge..
On the personal front too its the same dilemma. To let go of your freedom for what seems like a refreshingly structured life for a meanderer. I do think that having boundaries or constraints or certainties imposed will automatically eliminate variables and dealing with constants is so much simpler. But then again what about well being on my own and doing my thing and the unaccountability. Reminds me of that line from my fave floyd song ‘wish you were here’- Did you exchange, a walk on part in the war.. for a lead role in a cage.. I don’t want to think I’m doing that..
And yes location does matter. For a wander luster it is important i chose what cities I live in, want to live in, may have to live in. How does one incorporate the importance of “places” into a ok this is it i gotta live here now kinda understanding..
P.S. Its official I’m lost! Where are the sign boards when you need them?