About Me

I am an adventurer by fate and not by choice- Van Gogh

All these changes taking place..

I think its true it is your mid 20’s that is the most self revealing and conflicting age and phase. When I heard about this so called quarter life crisis, I wasn’t so sure. I did not comprehend it was a serious possibility. Its on the other side of 25, I began to appreciate it. It’s essentially you and the people you know are going through some weird changes. Its not as obvious as adolescence with the voice breaking and sudden hormonal rages. Its subtle, hard hitting and more emotional. It’s when you realize the value of materialistic things and plan to earn them or live a normal life, its when you take responsibility of others for better for worse, its when you realize no matter how bad a day you’ve had your folks need you, you accept the heartbreaks but indulge them only in your own time, its when life is too busy to notice all of this at once, its like a movie in slow motion that time is playing and wants you to watch, its accepting that sometimes no matter how much they say you can’t let go, It’s trying to expert the art of behaving like you have, It’s convoluting conditioning and real time reality.

Sometimes I wish I knew what was beyond this. I wish I saw a clear picture when I try and look ahead. But I can still confidently see as far as the next couple of months. Its not like I need to broaden my horizons literally but have realized its true not much is going to around my design, so I need to work around whats designed for me. Its not giving in to fate or destiny or suddenly using them as an abili or over appreciating them. But it’s more like not denying them. Not being a rebellious kid declaring they don’t exist and you will always have things on your terms. Its knowing better than that. Its all the not knowing.. It’s the anxiety and process of finding… eventually and hopefully.. finding out..

Sound of silence..

And the vision that was planted in my brain..Still remains..Within the sound of silence..

“In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

“Fools”, said I, “You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you”
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence”

Simon & Garfunkel

I came across this line “if you hear carefully you can actually hear the sound of silence”. I automatically connected it to this classic. I have always believed in the the message this song conveys. It talks about unfinished business, swallowing words, unsettled scores, mute expressions.. It talks about city life and what they say about it.. cities are nothing more than thousands of people who are lonely together.. I don’t think one feels as alone in a quiet, desolate place where there is vibrance, spontaneity, genuine smiles, soft spoken words and the freedom, independence, and the sense of empathy and open mindedness so that there is no NOISE INSIDE AND SILENCE OUTSIDE.

Its like a ritual everyone seems to have mastered in their own way. Wake up wear your mask. masquerade around the whole day.. end your charade when you are on your own and start over.. I don’t see/feel any soul!

I look at people in clubs and restaurants greeting strangers with a gush of new found love and enthusiasm. They don’t fool me. Its unfortunate we resort to strangers and people we barely know and shots and fast cars to make us feel better about ourselves. Wish there was this sense of community where you know you can be your way, speak your mind, not be misunderstood, where good intentions are not judged, and good deeds do not go unacknowledged. The fear, the restraint, the scars never really fade.. They get embedded in the silence which not your heart but your existence validates.

I think this is how blogs started and made their way. Everyone wants to be earnestly heard and sincerely accepted. Anyway everything seems to be virtual.. things and people.. I don’t think there is any difference between reality and virtuality left.. Nothing is real and nothing is virtual and yet there is need to define a name, time, space for everything in life. Arrange things like lego blocks or rehearse like you were going up on stage and join the herd. Vanish in the crowd and become a nonentity.

“hearts and thoughts they fade away”- Pearl Jam

I always feel music and specially good song writing. I think they know, they see, they feel, they try to reach out way more than regular people. Such writing can stem only from deep and strong thought. first hand experience, close observations, overwhelming emotions and yes there is always a heartbreak involved in one way or the other. Only when your heart is shattered and you’re either in pain or recovering can it feel so much emotion and try to translate it to the world outside at large. Otherwise you are too busy being happy and seeing life with rose squinted glasses to take a step back and really think. Its when you don’t want to feel feelings do feelings leave u feeling helpless the most. When you have to try to “move on” or “get over it” and it doesn’t happen naturally like evolution and somewhere its urged or you are pushing yourself too hard.. it happens that your heart just gets busted..

So much so that you can hear whispers of the ghosts of the past, or drown the sounds of people around you, or press the mute button on the world moving outside your window.. and enter the sound of silence..

I wish we did not have to hear the stories that silence narrates.. most of them don’t have happy endings..

So cruel…

I disappeared in you
You disappeared from me
I gave you everything you ever wanted
It wasn’t what you wanted

Oh…love…
You say in love there are no rules
Oh…love…
Sweetheart,
You’re so cruel”

-U2

p.s. “We crossed the line.. Who pushed who over?
It doesn’t matter to you…It matters to me”

You don't know if it's fear or desire...Danger the drug that takes you higher..Head in heaven, fingers in the mire..

Lost…

This isn’t a new emotion or the first time. But something tells me this time its worse.. the confusion, the maze and the decisions more irrevocable. I don’t know how the Japs do it but to have  minimal space and time for error makes it just too overwhelming. Specially when you sorta have been stumbling through life anyway.. The usual making plans, reworking plans, failing plans, and getting back to the drawing board.. I do think the so called ‘quarter life crisis’ is for real. The crossroads lead to very serious paths most one ways and the dilemmas just tear you apart..

You also know that these stages of indecisiveness are not a figment of your imagination as a lot of people around you too seem to share the same anxiety. I do not want to admit to an identity crisis but if it’s not this then what is it? You know you’re kinda leaving the age behind where you can continue being impulsive or careless or afford to wear your heart on your sleeve. Yet you haven’t reached that stage of understanding and non reluctant maturity to let go of “youth” as you know it. The fear of resigning to a predictable timetable life. Trading being lost for stability. Could that mean trading adventure for being still?

We all have interests we explore in hope of figuring out what interests can be translated into a sustainable career and match a skill set you gotta have naturally or acquired. That isn’t an easy tasks if your interests and the subjects that make you curious range through a bizarre variety of absolutely unrelated fields. But if the interests are genuine and backed up by pursuit of knowledge in those fields and great conversations with people in it make you realize that each one is real. I don’t know how keeping up with the history of rock, or updating myself on new and unexplored places to visit, or the architecture or design of buildings, bad attempts at travel writing, an insatiable passion for beers wines and cocktails, the charm of taking good pictures, the lame efforts at writing poems, the high of doing a start up, the desire to be successful in business yet make a significant contribution to the creative fields all underscored with a desire to eventually get paid to travel.. I dont think its wavering or its being crazy.. I think its appreciating diversity and constant pursuit of knowledge and a passion to learn.. So this crossroad(s) well become extremely difficult to merge..

On the personal front too its the same dilemma. To let go of your freedom for what seems like a refreshingly structured life for a meanderer. I do think that having boundaries or constraints or certainties imposed will automatically eliminate variables and dealing with constants is so much simpler. But then again what about well being on my own and doing my thing and the unaccountability. Reminds me of that line from my fave floyd song ‘wish you were here’- Did you exchange, a walk on part in the war.. for a lead role in a cage.. I don’t want to think I’m doing that..

And yes location does matter. For a wander luster it is important i chose what cities I live in, want to live in, may have to live in. How does one incorporate the importance of “places” into a ok this is it i gotta live here now kinda understanding..

P.S. Its official I’m lost! Where are the sign boards when you need them?

Hind sight/Fore sight/no sight

 

 

 

Soulmates.. makes sense

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…”

— Elizabeth Gilbert

This is how I would describe my soul mate. That factor, that god sent savior, that saving grace, that reason! A soul mate is not one person it is a sign in the form of a person when you need one and admit to yourself that you need one. Then that chance encounter happens which leaves its footprints in your life forever. To concede to such sincere and unmasked level of submission is actually getting in sync with your own soul. Soul mates are a few but are more than one, soul mates are heaven on earth, soul mates are permanent scars. But they are a constant and change the way you thought you would steer your life. Rather you are left without a choice and you let them lead. Your instinct tells you they know you more than you know yourself. It is that connection which inspires trust. One soul to another an honest unintended reaching out. It is oblivious to the physical form it presents its self in. It just is that knowing each other in either in a brief moment of serendipity or a just a close friend. As long as you acknowledge to yourself that life as you knew it would never again be the same… You know that the reason is that you have encountered your soul mate(s).

Happy endings are over rated. Life and maturity happens when happiness is in the cherishing the leap of faith and letting some one tell you how to be.. and listening.. and letting it happen

p.s. “…That’s why love stories don’t have endings! They don’t have endings because love doesn’t end.” Richard Bach


“CHANCE encounters are what keep us going.” — Haruki Murakam

Chance is fortune! Chance is accident! Chance is opportunity! Chance is missed! Chance is risk! Chance is encounter! Chance is adventure! Chance is a hazard! Chance is fortune! Chance is opportunity! Chance is courage!

So often there is chance lurking in the shadows playing hide and seek.. tempting, seducing, alluring, enticing, challenging, testing.. To take a chance or not whenever it shows up is what determines how life unfolds..

It’s hard to tell the difference between sea and sky, between voyager and sea. Between reality and the workings of the heart. Its true the cliche- more often than not in life we regret the things we haven’t done and not those we have. Everyone has an explicitly stated or secretly designed wish list. Those wishes often appear in a form that is not conspicuous or comprehendible. So to chance what may appear as attractive even for the most unknown and unexplainable reasons is to narrate the tone and pattern of your life’s stories.

“Dreams come from the past, not from the future. A certain type of perfection can only be realized through a limitless accumulation of the imperfect”  Emotional hurt is the price a person has to pay in order to be independent. For me the dreamlike is very real. Its the projection of my own sub conscious mind. And independence and changing perceptions are so directly co related. Thats when the riddles function as part of the clues. But we have to give the line between our imagination and our reality a chance to blur and maybe vanish..

It is true it is the round pegs in the square holes, the mad unconventional thinkers, the quirky geniuses, the tough adventurers, the relentless obsessors  are the ones who star in stories that spread like wild fire. You may love them or hate them but you cannot ignore them. They have this unmistakable attraction about them which inspires curiosity and interest.

“Narrow minds devoid of imagination. Intolerance, theories cut off from reality, empty terminology, usurped ideals, inflexible systems. Those are the things that really frighten me. What I absolutely fear and loathe.” They are the kind of minds which are self contained in their own illusions and twisted unexplored versions of reality. What they think is real is actually a very confined and stagnant world. They don’t see life real time. As it happens, when it happens, how it happens.

And to understand the workings of our own heart we have to keep on making new reference cards. And only when we let chance encounters determine and charter and unbeaten path do we evolve and really see the invisible ink that writes all stories.

Memories are what warm you up from the inside. But they’re also what tear you apart. Taking chances means accepting with grace that the encounters could go either way. But even if one stumbles into a unrelenting storm. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about. So I say take a chance!

p.s. The most interesting stories I’ve heard incidentally begin with “we ran into each other by CHANCE”

Grown ups and their childish games!

Sometimes you have to admit it there are rules to all games for a reason. There is logic, sense and reason to penalties, time outs, strikes, sent off’s, tackles, red cards, fouls, side lines etc. I often wonder isn’t locker room talk about the opposition games kids play? the real players play hard on the field. They play the game fairly and in sync with all rules of being in a team. Should one really like to play games shouldn’t they respect some basic rules? Where is it allowed to get away with hitting below the belt? Where is unruly aggression not penalized? How long has dirty pool been sustainable for anyone? When has a referee looked away at every unfair tackle? Do games where you sit across a table challenging wits, manipulating and conniving the other allow the pawns to not follow a path? Doesn’t even consistently lucky hands have to fold and give up bluffing eventually? How many times can one raise the stakes so dangerously so as to lose what they have? How many races have been won by runners tripping others? I just wonder and wonder if others wonder why must we play games that are no fun and convoluted.

I think people often mistake growing up with conveniently bending the rules of the game. Maturity for twisting facts to suit one’s self.

Even the most extreme and dangerous sport calls for personal digs being off limits. If one can’t respect the player, I suppose they should still respect the game!