There’s a freeway runnin’ through the yard..

“I wanna free fall out into nothing

Gonna leave this world for awhile

And I’m free, I’m free falling”

There is something about a free fall. The letting go of all fears and just letting go of yourself really. I distinctly remember this being the only adventure sport that really made me want to quit last minute. In the freezing Queenstown, NZ, where every gust of wind was sending chills down your spine, standing on this rope bridge dangling over this threatening stream.. Well just gave me a frozen spine. Ironically I felt spineless! I wanted to not let my ego get the better of me and just admit to myself that I couldn’t do it. I guess somewhere though I know I owed to a promise I had made to myself long back. I would try everything in life once specially when it came to adventure and adrenaline.

“When you want something in life, you just gotta reach out and grab it.” This is one of my fave quotes from one of my fave movies- Into the wild. Which by the way is on my list. To pull of the stunt he did in the movie. Just go into the wild. Maybe someday I will. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions. Facing the blind death stone alone, with nothing to help you but your hands and your own head.

I always used to feel life is about jumping, taking that leap of faith, letting go, being, knowing that someone out there is going to get your back.. so go for it! I couldn’t not jump. I remember walking up to this guy (who was really undeniably unbelievably attractive) and had been curiously staring at me for awhile wondering if I would go through with it. I asked him bluntly if he would jump with me. He was shocked out of his wits and his expression told me he thought I was interesting nut case. He then grinned impishly at me telling me he would but then he would have to hold me real tight. I told him that was exactly why I had asked him.

After we were literally tied together he asked me to shut my eyes and trust him. He took the leap of faith for both of us that I couldn’t muster the courage to. He made us free fall.. along a waterfall swaying in the sky with the water below teasing us.. The adrenaline rush coupled with a sense of peace and calm yet topped with a sense of achievement and pride.. We were smiling dizzily at each other with our eyes locked knowing that we wouldn’t ever forget we did this together.. I haven’t.. I know he hasn’t..

Thank you stranger from my not so long back interesting past. If I ever meet you again and we do recognize each other, I owe you one.

P.S. But now am I free fallin? Guess not. I want to though. Maybe I will.

And I will try to fix you..

“Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you”

Some days all you really want is a live concert. It’s that energy that crazy overcoming rush you absolutely crave. Oddly enough I was hearing this song when I thought of Chris Martin and wondered what it would be like to see Cold Play live. Being the emotional sucker that I am, I remembered crying at Roger Waters live when he sang “wish you were here”.

There is something about watching the greats live. You know why the greats are the greats. To get a crowd of thousands moved on your account. To send adeline rushing through so many veins. I can’t even begin to imagine despite my extraordinarily vivid imagination the high it must be to be on that stage. To know you are stirring all those souls who are just there to witness your special experience. Sorta inspires you to have a life less ordinary. Be where no one has ever been, achieve what only can be seen in dreams, leave a legacy behind sorta thing. What I wouldn’t give to be able to watch one of the bands I love LIVE right now. Music is the language of the soul, that I am sure of. You know stuff like poetry of the heart kinda thing. Hmmm maybe its just feelings put in words..

“And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth”

Most of us have been there done that.. the high highs and low lows.. the love and the loss.. the hanging on and the letting go.. the not letting go.. but its true isn’t it.. each time we tell ourselves we won’t ever be able to move on.. and each time we bite our words.. coz when we just have it no? And it’s true each time you realize what you can do.. and cannot do..you surprise yourself both in good ways and bad.. Either way you come out bruised and battered and discover new ways to heal yourself. In hind sight they become stories in your life and experiences that make you who you become as you keep becoming the person you do as time goes by..

But it’s true if it’s someone close to you and and you care about them.. and they are hurting.. all you want is to reach out to them and tell them in way they know you mean it.. “I will try and fix you”.. Thats what life’s about right.. fixing yourself and people close to you.. Every once in awhile we all need to be rescued!

Oh yeah live concerts.. I could use one right now.. Just stand there and be hypnotized by hearing him sing my song.. and seeing.. and feeling.. and the energy of people around.. the passing of emotions, wave lengths, energies and vibes amongst each other.. reinstating that for once we are all in this together! The helpless and happy submission to the larger than life experience of the whole thing..

Soon enough I guess..

p.s. “When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep..Stuck in reverse”

Got me on my knee..

His Story

When Eric visited his friend George in his Old English country house. His eyes naturally fell on his beautiful wife. It went deeper than just the way she looked. She was in deep too, he could sense it. She had consumed him completely and he realized he couldn’t subdue his madness anymore. He couldn’t not act on his obsession anymore. It seemed to him he had tried everything. From trying to reprimand himself for falling for a woman for who he did not stand a chance with. She was married to someone from the toppest top strata of the highest high society there ever was and soaked in fame, glory and luxury. He tried one meaningless affair after another, trying to convince himself each time he was remotely connected or in love.

One godforsaken day he won a night with the wife (Pattie) in a swap with George with the girl he was seeing then. That night hit the last nail on the coffin for his mad love. Seeing each other behind George’s back and aggravating the flame with stolen moments and hidden rendezvous. One night when George was entertaining this actor, Eric and him got into a musical combat over Patti and no one but the actor could see how intense and dangerous it was. Each strum of the guitar was meant to injure and each word was out to kill.

He finally couldn’t take it anymore and blurted to George “I’m in love with your wife”. He looked hurt and not surprised as he walked away ambiguously. This marked the beginning of Eric’s semi-clandestine affair with Pattie, who still wasn’t willing to leave George. It was then Heroin had just made its entry and Eric took to drifting through his next few years by forcing addiction he did not feel and blame games and guilt trips for Patti that did not work.

It was George’s rescue call to invite him to play with him to NYC that marked the beginning and soon to follow end of Eric’s attempt at rehab and getting his music back. It seemed as though he was recovering his senses were directing him towards her. As he got his head cleared, she clouded it ever so again.

He was reading classical poet of Persian literature, Nezami Ganjavi’s The Story of Layla and Majnuna at that time. About a  young man who fell hopelessly in love with a beautiful woman, who he could not have for she would always belong to someone else. This book stirred his soul and broke him ever more. He wrote a song for her which was a mirror reflection of their story. The man in love with someone else’s wife, but she did love him back,  not enough to leave her husband for him. I remembered reading somewhere “the only love that’s eternal is that which is unrequited”

Loving Layla

What’ll you do when you get lonely
And nobody’s waiting by your side?
You’ve been running and hiding much too long.
You know it’s just your foolish pride.

Layla, you’ve got me on my knees.
Layla, I’m begging, darling please.
Layla, darling won’t you ease my worried mind.

I tried to give you consolation
When your old man had let you down.
Like a fool, I fell in love with you,
Turned my whole world upside down.

Let’s make the best of the situation
Before I finally go insane.
Please don’t say we’ll never find a way
And tell me all my love’s in vain.

Eric Clapton

I believe in the kingdom come..Then all the colours will bleed into one.

” I believe in the kingdom come..Then all the colours will bleed into one.When all the colors will bleed into one”  Is this line about pure blind faith? Or more about submission to cosmic conspiracies? Even without the words, you could still get the sense that there is a true sincere longing. The music fades in at the beginning and out at the end. Also, the chord is incomplete. A sense of broken words yet confident emotions.

Though I believe there comes one day when person to person everything is stripped down to the basic truth and two people will encounter and experience themselves..  A time which one can’t design or desire but is destined.

“And yes it’s true.. You broke the bonds..And you loosed the chains.. But I still haven’t found what I looking for.”

 

p.s. Also, the chord is incomplete

You come crash into me..

“It’s the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In LA, nobody touches you. We’re always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.” – Graham (from Crash)

These lines so brilliantly capture the essence of city life. A million lonely people alone together. I’ve been as much of a city slick as the next person. It’s not what I really want though. I want to be able to be by the sea when my work day ends. I would trade driving around the city to walking in the sand.. From loud nightclubs to mark my social attendance to open skies with bright moonlight and a landscape like a canvas.. Take my concrete jungle for your mountains and valleys.. From a sea of familiar yet strange faces to strangers unfamiliar but real and open..

Quoting Don Mclean: “For I shall not be part of this cocktail generation, partners waltz devoid of romance, the music plays, everyone must dance, I’m bowing out, I need a second chance”.  The grass is greener on the other side. At least there is grass.

I have duly admired architects and their sheer brilliance, availed all the facilities and comforts and luxuries of modern day living, been lost amongst the crowd dotting the streets, fake smiles at people I don’t care, closet tears for the ones I love, Realized that aspirations are ever evolving and goals are a moving target, lost touch with what’s real and what’s not, enjoyed to the fullest all that city life has to offer..

Just for a bit just, absolutely for the heck of it, most definitely for the experience.. Someone please show me a real existing place inhabited by unmasked people. “You may say I am a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.” I want to smile at strangers and I know our smiles are genuine. Where everyone’s not out to get one another but just be and let be. Where there is unbridled joy in simplicity and the energy around is all consuming.

So, that one can glance at their certain someone and tell them

“Oh I watch you there
Through the window
And I stare at you
You wear nothing but you
Wear it so well
Tied up and twisted
The way I’d like to be
For you, for me, come crash
Into me”

“And the waitress is practicing politics..As the businessmen slowly get stoned”

Listening to this song reminded me of this one time in Amsterdam. I was at this coffee shop and they played a lot of classic rock. I hung out longer and was wryly people watching. Piano Man by Billy Joel came on and I really really listened to the song and sized up the room around me again, and thought to myself this song’s apt background music! Then almost on cue my actors started playing their part and the sets formed themselves for my amusement.

“There’s an old man sitting next to me..Makin’ love to his tonic and gin”. Indeed there was. It seemed to me he had been having that conversation with his drink for awhile now. He must have gone the whole 9 yards with that glass. Right from wooing it, getting it, marrying it, making love to it everything. It was a woman’s body I thought he thought he had in his hands the way he was holding it, being a gentle lover, an outraged beast.. How he was looking at it smitten, passionate, bitter.. The way he shook his head at it in helplessness and submission..

“Well I’m sure that I could be a movie star..If I could get out of this place” As I looked at the listless young guy Man Fridaying the place. He had the air of superiority around him and kept giving the room and it’s people a bored glance every now and then. Intermittently, he would cast his reflection in the bar mirror and almost apologetic nod and then restlessly moving things around. I was so tempted to go up to him pat his back and say..Life’s like that buddy.. too bad but get over it..

“And the waitress is practicing politics..As the businessmen slowly get stoned..Yes, they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness..But it’s better than drinkin’ alone” This guy in a crisp business suit had an aura around him.. like he was begging to be saved. I felt sad for him with his empty eyes, tired face, sagging shoulders, fake smile.. years of wear and tear. He kept calling the waitress over at any pretext and somehow starting conversation. He was genuinely interested in anything she had to say as long as she was fixing her eyes on him.. Was his own life that empty? I shuddered at the thought of years of a mundane life. The waitress was beaming at him for being such an attentive audience and was happy to please..

“Well we’re all in the mood for a melody  and you got us all feeling alright” When u really look hard at what you’re seeing, you see the invisible ink that writes every story..

Strings that tie to you..

While listening to the song ‘strings that tie to you’ from the movie Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind.. I remembered this trivia I had read somewhere.. The title of the movie is actually a quote from Alexander Pope’s poem-Eloisa to Abelard

The world forgetting, by the world forgot.

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!

This song stirs something inside me. His melancholic voice speaks intensely.. sadly.. each word more bitter less sweet..

From the wrinkles on my forehead
To the mud upon my shoe
Everything’s a memory
With strings that tie to you

In my dream I’m often running
To the place that’s out of you
Of every kind of memory
With strings that tie to you

Though a change has taken place
And I no longer do adore her
Still every God forsaken place is always
Right around the corner

Now I know it’s either them or me
So I’ll bury every clue
And every kind of memory
With strings that tie to you

And every kind of memory
With strings that tie to you

I remember thinking to myself when I had seen this movie that if at all such a procedure when on their relationship going in the dumps, a couple clinically erase each other from their memory is at possible? Say it is, though highly desirable if you’re getting over someone but surely not the best way out? As it turns out in the movie they realize  that they cannot completely and entirely forget and  it is through this separation they really understand what they had to begin with..

“Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders.” It’s true good memory more often than not is a curse as memories then become stubborn and show up often. I remember when he begins to undergo the procedure even though is brain is not suppose to register what is really going on.. she is so deep into him that his sub conscience fights erasing of the memories.. thus messing with the procedure.. The doctor’s comments such as “We’ll dispose of these mementos when we’re done here, that way you won’t be confused by their unexplainable presence in your home.” terrorize him deep within and even though the only thing that he really wants to do is let go but it’s the only thing he cannot. Everything’s a memory with strings that tie to her..

Is moving on from any sorta loss a function of the heart or mind or brain? Agreed one can consciously to a great extent control their thoughts and actions.. what I am yet to understand is when does one know one has moved on.. What are the telling signs? When the dreams/nightmares/associations/sub conscious thoughts/feelings/love/hurt/half smiles/anger/fear/sleepless nights/fighting another person to fill that space/believing there is no other such person or thing/test of time go away?when these emotions in one by one or in a combination with one another leave you then have you really trully have moved on? Now that’s a tall order don’t you think?

I think and so do the Beatles “Life goes on within or without you” So for sheer momentum and friction and other logical concepts physics explains..its only natural you do move on one day one way or the other.. But if it was something real and something spiritually stunning then it stays but not in a perpetual longing or grief inducing way.. Eventually in a sort of acceptance that you have to live with this and its not so bad coz what happened was pretty darn great.. You just got to realize you were freakin charmed for such an experience to have happened to u at all! The war within trying too hard to move on or denying or undermining what it really was so that playing the fool makes it easier… just messes things up further.

If I was to be stuck in a situation where someones used by heart as a bait and cast their line and hooked on to my deep deep sub consciousness and  no matter how hard I fought for freedom the line just wouldn’t break.. I’d acknowledge that that was one helluva fisherman and be done with it.. I’ll learn how to make my peace with it.. and figure out how to best live with it.. Every kind of memory..With strings that tie to you